I recently sat with Frau Brandt, a woman I teach English to here where I live in Hamburg, Germany. I noticed she wore a stunning string of grey pearls. “Are those real? You look so dressed up. Are you going somewhere special?“ I asked her.
“No“, she replied. “I’m just going to the store.“
“And you are wearing such beautiful pearls to the store? You don’t save them for special occasions?“ I asked, incredulously.
“Honey, I’m 67 years old. I wear them as often as I can, while I still can.“
All my life, whenever I have something special I save it for a special occasion.
I have bottles of expensive perfumes that have been sitting on the shelf for years. I have a beige suede coat that I love but never wear, because it would be so hard to clean if it got dirty.
I once bought a lace tablecloth and napkin set in Venice, Italy, from one of those elderly women in black who sit and sew off the streets not far from Piazza San Marco. I carefully wrapped it in paper and brought it home to California, but never found the occasion to use it. Then when I moved to Germany I lugged it all the way back over here, still carefully wrapped. Last Christmas Eve I decided to use it. As I unwrapped it, a tag fell out. Made in China.
At best, my system of delayed gratification seems pointless. At worst, its self-destructive. I save things until I feel I “deserve“ them. So every day when I look at those perfume bottles, I am subconsciously telling myself I am not worthy of something nice. I tell myself I will buy myself something new “when I have lost that weight“. But then the weight doesn’t come off, so I wear the same old clothes again and again, feeling bad about myself, which just makes me want to gorge on chocolate even more. Its a vicious cycle of self-loathing, always waiting for the perfect occasion which never seems to come, instead of living each moment to the fullest.
I know a woman named Pat. I hadn’t seen her for a very long time until we met by chance one day at a party. She was positively glowing. She had lost a lot of weight. She had recently married, after many years of saying she would never marry again. And she was wearing a gorgeous flowered silk dress. I commented on how wonderful she looked and asked her how she lost all the weight. She said that for many years she had been plagued by the same vicious cycle of self-loathing. One day she just decided stop. She thought she might never reach her ideal weight, so she gave up. She put on her best dress and most expensive perfume and walked out with a smile. But suddenly she felt pretty, which made her feel better, which made her less hungry.
By “giving up”, she turned the cycle around. Instead of waiting for the positive effects to magically make her happy, she got happy first, which then created the positive effects. First the positive thoughts, then the positive feelings, then the positive effects.
I am going to make dinner now. And I am going to eat it on my handmade lace tablecloth from Italy.